The night before day 1...

So, as I'm sitting here typing this I have two major hopes and goals in mind:

1)  At the completion of this blogging expedition, I will be at my goal weight and body structure.

2)  I will be too embarrassed from posting this to ever return to the point where I am right now.

Here is my story: I am a 27 year old female who is working full time as a Paramedic at a job that I love.  I have come to the conclusion that where I used to be happy and comfortable with the way I am, that is very untrue. My fiance' insists that he loves me the way that I am, and that truly does make me feel better.  But I am not happy with me.  

At 5'11" I weigh in at 240 lbs.  I wear a size 18 tall pants, with 2XL for shirts.  I am not by any means worse off then some other people out there, so don't get me wrong as I post this.  I am doing this for myself, and only myself.  What do I want to go back to?  I want to go back to being a size 8-10 between 165-180 lbs.  This was my ideal weight back in senior year of high school, which I also met when I was going through the fire academy.  I want to be able to run again, perform more activities and not be worried as I lean or sit on something, thinking to myself, "Is this going to hold me?".

Some people wonder how I got to this point... my best answer is laziness.  I work overnights, as I have for the past 8 years of my life.  I work no less then 12 hours each shift, which makes it hard to have a life on my 4 days in a row on.  As soon as I get home, I hop in the shower, then go right to bed.  Most of the time, I am so exhausted that I sleep through till when I have to get up and get ready for work and leave. That leaves me no time to prepare a healthy meal for myself.  So instead as I venture into my overnight, its not deli's or health-food stores that are open late,  its fast-food and gas station burritos.  You would be surprised at my eclectic palate.  But anyway, add the poor eating habits to my relatively sedentary lifestyle (out of sheer exhaustion) and you get a 240lb Fat Paramedic.  

I guess I started becoming unhappy when I began to look at more recent photos of myself.  I realize in certain photos I have a double chin, or when I look at a full length photo of me, I am fatter then I have come to realize.  Sometimes you never really realize how large you have gotten till you get a good look at a photo.  I just happen to peruse through old photos and I was amazed at how much I have changed over the years, and in a way its upsetting.  I have literally shaved years off of my life getting to the point where I am right now.  

I went to my doctor for a checkup last month, and the doctor had asked me what I was planning on doing to lose weight.  I had no plan at that point, I was just thinking to myself, if I just cut down on the carbs I should be good.   I didn't work in any exercise plan, I didn't think of something to do with myself to help me tone my body.  And that was my fault.  As I go to my doctors today, he states, well there's gastric bypass, and after that tummy tucks and lipo that can be done to make me look the way I want to look.  I just looked at him.  I have had 2 friends get the lap band, and one friend get gastric bypass.  I have another friend who just got a tummy tuck.  They all couldn't be happier with their results and they all look fantastic.  But I don't want to go that route.  I want to try everything humanly possibly to fix my body, its been done before, and it can be done again.  If I get no where, then maybe  I will consider one of the above. 

What is my plan you ask?  Well, starting tomorrow, I am starting a diet and exercise regiment that will not only keep me moving, keep me healthy, and help me lose weight... but it will also help me get to the point that I want to be.  The weight, the shape, the size.    The plus is, I am not doing this on my own.  My fiance' Matt is doing it with me! The same diet, the same exercise plan, and he is there to give me the support I need.  I plan on documenting as much as I can with bi-weekly photos (starting tomorrow) with current weights.  I am hoping that although I may not see a difference, I will notice a difference in the photos.  This exercise regiment is being done without the assistance of supplements.  No diet aids, no fat burners, no energy supplements (except carb free monster when I work, because that's the only thing that gets me through a shift if I can't have coffee)  I figure that the more things I post, the lest likely I am going to be to stop this regiment and return to my old ways out of sheer embarrassment.  People I know, and people I don't will be able to read this blog.  I figure that is embarrassing enough.

What is my ultimate goal?  Be between 160-180.  Wear a size 10.  Be in shape, be fit, and above all, be happy.  I want to smile when I see pictures of myself.  And when I see photos of me walking down the aisle in May of 2011, I want to be paying attention to the love of my life, and not worrying about if fat rolls are visible.  

So tomorrow is going to be Blog from Day 1 with a starting photo and weight. 

In conclusion, thank you to those who are going to follow my journey.  Thank you to those for giving me the support I am going to desperately need. And thank you to the man I love, Matt, for doing this with me.  This would suck to do this all alone.